There’s this meme I saw once that went something along the lines of “The older I get, the more I understand Michael Douglas’s character in Falling Down.” That sums up my mood nicely.
For the record, I am not always bitter and angry. I have noticed a certain hardness setting in, a certain judgemental mindset. I pride myself on being able to look at both sides to a story, I pride myself on my fairness. I always keep in mind how imperfectly I’ve led my own life. And while I will never be perfect, I changed my life in big, sweeping reforms after becoming a mother. When I realized that even I could do that, it made me take a closer look at how my own mother never did stop living completely for herself.
So, you may notice that my harshest judgements fall upon people like her. Weakness and selfishness in the face of parenthood. Here’s a story about one such waste of air:
Two houses down from us, in an otherwise quiet,safe neighborhood lives a fully grown man who moved in with his then pregnant girlfriend. His mother bought and owns the house for them. He and his girlfriend are the types to scream and fight outside daily. Eventually she left him and their son to go be a heroin junkie.
Since then, there has been a revolving door of shady, trashy druggies moving in and out with him. Always loud, always creepy.The man doesn’t work.He sits on Facebook playing some grow your own pot farm game. His mom pays the mortgage, the utilities, the groceries. She even pays someone to come mow his lawn. The man doesn’t drive because he was busted for pot and then crashed his car while high.He was fired from his last job for theft.
This past winter, an equally trashy woman moved in with her two daughters. Uprooted them from their school to move in with a meth head drug dealer because she’s “in love.” I can’t begin to describe my disdain for her based on that alone. One of her daughter’s is in my daughter’s class. I should feel sorry for her. I should be compassionate. But she is rude and obnoxious and I have no intentions of getting friendly with anyone from that house.
Shortly after they moved in, the man was busted for selling meth. Thank god! Finally! The trash is getting taken out! His mom took custody of his son. He had 2 prior felonies so I thought “this is a lock!” Then ,after his mommy posted his bond, he tested positive for drugs while on bond. I was so happy, even though the girlfriend apparently had no plans on leaving and his mom seemed to plan on paying for her to continue living there (yep, the girlfriend doesn’t work either). But at least that should ensure he gets hard time right?
Yesterday was his trial. Guess where he is today? Home. He’s not in jail. I am furious. Why do people continuously get away with being complete fucking dredges on society?
I know his mom. I like her. She’s the only reason I never called the cops on him myself. I’ve never been in her shoes so I don’t know how far I would go to enable my own child in that situation. But, right now, I’m furious. Yeah, her child is home safe but at the expense of the rest of the fucking neighborhood. We are trying to raise our families here. Good families with strong morals. The neighborhood does not want them here.
Yes, that does sound uppity and judgemental. I know. But here’s what else I know:
I had a crap childhood. I suffer from childhood PTSD. I pulled myself out of the gutter to be a good parent and give my kids a good, secure, stable life even though I never had those things myself. It can be done if you love your kids more than you love yourself, more than you PITY yourself.
I blew a disc in my back 5 years ago. I went 7 months in excruciating pain because my spine was pinching my sciatic nerve. I took Motrin. That’s it. I had back surgery and it worked but the damage done means I still live with sciatica from time to time. I take Motrin. I didn’t turn to pill shopping, I didn’t turn to heroin.
There are plenty of examples out there where mere Motrin won’t work. I get that. But the people I know that got into heroin didn’t do so because of a valid prescription they got addicted to. They chose to party. End of story. ( I am describing my personal knowledge of users, I am not judging all users) I am so sick of the excuses, the selfishness, the weakness. I am sick of people like this getting rewarded for being absolute failures as parents. As human beings!
I feel like seeing this happen over and over again is sucking the compassion and empathy right out of me. That makes me sad because those values are important to me. I instill them in my kids as often as I can.I don’t want to harden. I don’t want my hardness to seep into their soft hearts. This world though. The longer I live, the less I see the good guys win.