Falling Down

There’s this meme I saw once that went something along the lines of “The older I get, the more I understand Michael Douglas’s character in Falling Down.” That sums up my mood nicely.

For the record, I am not always bitter and angry. I have noticed a certain hardness setting in, a certain judgemental mindset. I pride myself on being able to look at both sides to a story, I pride myself on my fairness. I always keep in mind how imperfectly I’ve led my own life. And while I will never be perfect, I changed my life in big, sweeping reforms after becoming a mother. When I realized that even I could do that, it made me take a closer look at how my own mother never did stop living completely for herself.

So, you may notice that my harshest judgements fall upon people like her. Weakness and selfishness in the face of parenthood. Here’s a story about one such waste of air:

Two houses down from us, in an otherwise quiet,safe neighborhood lives a fully grown man who moved in with his then pregnant girlfriend. His mother bought and owns the house for them. He and his girlfriend are the types to scream and fight outside daily. Eventually she left him and their son to go be a heroin junkie.

Since then, there has been a revolving door of shady, trashy druggies moving in and out with him. Always loud, always creepy.The man doesn’t work.He sits on Facebook playing some grow your own pot farm game. His mom pays the mortgage, the utilities, the groceries. She even pays someone to come mow his lawn. The man doesn’t drive because he was busted for pot and then crashed his car while high.He was fired from his last job for theft.

This past winter, an equally trashy woman moved in with her two daughters. Uprooted them from their school to move in with a meth head drug dealer because she’s “in love.” I can’t begin to describe my disdain for her based on that alone. One of her daughter’s is in my daughter’s class. I should feel sorry for her. I should be compassionate. But she is rude and obnoxious and I have no intentions of getting friendly with anyone from that house.

Shortly after they moved in, the man was busted for selling meth. Thank god! Finally! The trash is getting taken out! His mom took custody of his son. He had 2 prior felonies so I thought “this is a lock!” Then ,after his mommy posted his bond, he tested positive for drugs while on bond. I was so happy, even though the girlfriend apparently had no plans on leaving and his mom seemed to plan on paying for her to continue living there (yep, the girlfriend doesn’t work either). But at least that should ensure he gets hard time right?

Yesterday was his trial. Guess where he is today? Home. He’s not in jail. I am furious. Why do people continuously get away with being complete fucking dredges on society?

I know his mom. I like her. She’s the only reason I never called the cops on him myself. I’ve never been in her shoes so I don’t know how far I would go to enable my own child in that situation. But, right now, I’m furious. Yeah, her child is home safe but at the expense of the rest of the fucking neighborhood. We are trying to raise our families here. Good families with strong morals. The neighborhood does not want them here.

Yes, that does sound uppity and judgemental. I know. But here’s what else I know:

I had a crap childhood. I suffer from childhood PTSD. I pulled myself out of the gutter to be a good parent and give my kids a good, secure, stable life even though I never had those things myself. It can be done if you love your kids more than you love yourself, more than you PITY yourself.

I blew a disc in my back 5 years ago. I went 7 months in excruciating pain because my spine was pinching my sciatic nerve. I took Motrin. That’s it. I had back surgery and it worked but the damage done means I still live with sciatica from time to time. I take Motrin. I didn’t turn to pill shopping, I didn’t turn to heroin.

There are plenty of examples out there where mere Motrin won’t work. I get that. But the people I know that got into heroin didn’t do so because of a valid prescription they got addicted to. They chose to party. End of story. ( I am describing my personal knowledge of users, I am not judging all users) I am so sick of the excuses, the selfishness, the weakness. I am sick of people like this getting rewarded for being absolute failures as parents. As human beings!

I feel like seeing this happen over and over again is sucking the compassion and empathy right out of me. That makes me sad because those values are important to me. I instill them in my kids as often as I can.I don’t want to harden. I don’t want my hardness to seep into their soft hearts. This world though. The longer I live, the less I see the good guys win.

To my husband’s son’s mother

My husband and I were engaged already before he told me that he had a son. Shady shit right? The way it was explained to me was that you were a one night stand. When you turned up pregnant, you flew to Florida to tell another man it was his ,only coming after my husband when that man rejected you. Regardless, DNA proves the child is my husband’s so that’s what matters.

My biological father was MIA most of my life; never saw a dime from him. I can empathize and I did. Of course he should pay child support! Of course he should see him! I was your ally and champion lady. You blew that.

I have no illusions about how things went sour and who’s to blame. It was a terrible time in our young marriage. I know that when he was drinking, no amount of attention could fill his endless, bottomless need for it. I know that when I rejected his daily suspicious,controlling drunk persona he turned to your sympathetic ear. He slandered me to gain victim-hood just as he slandered you to me. He opened the door to the disrespect you have shown me ever since.

And really, you didn’t owe me any respect. Your child and that situation was between you and my husband. It would have been nice to be respected as his wife and the mother of his other children but, I acknowledge that you didn’t owe it to me.

Don’t worry, we’re not bonding here. You’re no prize either. Between your bi-polar, kleptomaniac, whore, heroin junkie ways, you’ve given your kids plenty of material for their future therapists. You were married when my husband was calling you behind my back. If you couldn’t have been decent enough to get another woman’s and fellow mother’s back, you could have, at least, respected your own vows.

Still though, I thought we could all eventually find some common ground. Then came the non-stop texts and calls threatening us if we didn’t give you more money than child support provided. I’ll never forget the “I hope you die” text we received on the day we were cremating our 3rd born son.

When we tired of your shit, we sent a cease and desist letter instructing you to only communicate via the child support agency which you ignore to this day. And let’s talk about child support. My husband is responsible for one of your kids. One. While we have 5 of our own. Yet every time you pop out another, you have child support raised to support them. What in the actual fuck is that about? You have never worked a single day in your life therefore, we have to pay for your 5 kids with different men? Regardless of the fact that the last time you went to jail you gave your junkie boyfriend your child support card to buy drugs with. Your own mother ,who actually had physical custody of the child, had to call my husband begging him to put a freeze on the card. The whole thing documented by CSEA and they STILL raised child support after that at your request. What a backwards, fucked up system.

So, no, you don’t get to send us casual texts asking for my husband’s SSN. I don’t care if you’re clean now. I don’t care that you want to try to be civil after all the drama you perpetuated. Thinking that it’s even your choice is still blatantly disrespecting us. Any time you contact us, I could press charges for ignoring the cease and desist. I don’t know if you’re too dumb to understand that or if you truly believe you have all the power. I haven’t thus far because you’re a mother who appears to be trying to get her shit together but don’t keep trying me. A little over a year, those checks will stop coming and you will be nothing to us. Not even a tiny speck on our radar. Try to force yourself to be and the last 13 years will come back to bite you in the ass.

Introduction

There is mounting evidence that I am a generally unlikable person. Some people just are and that’s ok. I’m ok with that because I happen to enjoy seclusion. I happen to hate small talk; I’m just no good at it.

I am married with five kids and we are happy. As happy as real life can ever really allow. I somehow managed to end up with really good kids. Not perfect kids but, really kind, bright, creative ones.

I live a good life, no doubt about it. That hasn’t always been the case. I’ve been through a lot of bullshit. I’ve created a lot of bullshit. And, as grand as forgetting the past and appreciating the present sounds, I don’t always.It’s pretty obvious that I carry around a mountain of anger and resentment. I have all this inside of me and I want to be heard. That’s what a blog really comes down to right? Wanting to be heard. I just don’t want to be noticed. I have no interest in opening a vein for Facebook friends and worrying about what they’ll think. I also have things to say directly to certain people and I either missed my chance or I just don’t want to upset the relative stability I now have in my life (make no mistake, the chaos is always there,right under the surface, waiting to strike).

So, here I am to say what I want to say. The beauty of it is, no one HAS to read it. No one HAS to listen to me. I like that.